Happiness vs. Acceptance

 

People often struggle with bad, sad, uncomfortable feelings which they identify as the opposite of happiness. Many believe that having these feelings identifies them as having some internal flaw. They believe that there is something inherently wrong with them if they are not happy.  Let’s take a look at the three most popular perspectives on happiness and how a particular type of therapy --Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ( ACT), can help you comfortably accept negative feelings without judgement. 

Judaeo-Christian: The Judaeo-Christian story of creation posits an initial state of perfection that was all good; there was no pain and no evil. But Adam and Eve eating the apple, bit into knowledge and destroyed that idyllic world. Thus, we started out living in a world free from suffering but our actions created the current world of pain. Other religions similarly argue that the world was once pure, but now is impure and base, having moved away from the initial state of perfection. If you believe this view, then your life will be dedicated to becoming as pure and as good as you once were. You will identify many of your thoughts and feelings as being evil and caused by the first sin committed by Adam and Eve. These thoughts and feelings will be seen as dangerous and you will try to contain them, control them, or annihilate them. If you are able to control these evil thoughts and feelings, then you will get closer to that initial state of perfection, which will lead to being happy.

Hedonistic: Hedonism states that happiness is the normal resting state of individuals and if we are not feeling happy, there is something wrong with us. Negative emotions are seen as a sign of individual failure and error. Therefore, this popular view of happiness propels us to constantly identify moments of unhappiness and attempt to change those moments to ones of happiness. When we are unable to do that, we believe that we are in some way flawed and imperfect. If you believe this perspective, you will put great effort to change these negative feelings of discomfort into positive ones. You will create an internal battle with yourself trying to forcibly change the unpleasant into pleasant.

Buddhism: This view accepts that the normal, resting state of humans is pain and suffering. Buddhism posits that we develop illusions and biases and it is up to us to break out of the illusion,   see the world as it really is and thus find inner peace and contentment. Believe this worldview and you will accept that moments of displeasure, distress, unhappiness, and struggle are part of the human condition.

 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT therapy) focuses on NOT changing the feelings, but on how you react to them.   Constantly judging the world (and ourselves) to be right/wrong, good/bad creates a constant state of tension. This is the critical difference. If we accept those feelings as being part of life, then we are not flawed or imperfect, we are simply human.   ACT THERAPY offers us a way to relate to our thoughts and feelings that is functional, not destructive. The tools and strategies of ACT THERAPY (some of which are borrowed from Buddhist philosophy) can help us break some of the biases, accept the world as it is, and in so doing, help us live with greater contentment and inner peace.   

How Writing Begins the Healing Process: Expressive Writing Technique by James Pennebaker, Ph.D.

Dr. Pennebaker, author of the book Writing to Heal, has done research on the effect of writing on painful emotional and traumatic experiences. His findings suggest that by writing for four (4)  consecutive days  for no less than 20 minutes, there are some long-term effects such as lowered anxiety, less rumination and fewer depressive symptoms.

If there is a memory, or emotional upheaval that is bothering you and you find it difficult to move beyond it, you could select this topic to write about using the Expressive Writing Technique. Here are the rules:

1) write for a minimum of 20 minutes a day.
2) write for four consecutive days.
3) write about the same event or write about different events.
4) write continuously without worrying about grammar, spelling, or editing.
5) write only for yourself. Be completely open with yourself to get the full benefit of expressive             writing. You can plan on destroying what you have written to reassure you it will be for your eyes       only.

At the end of each day's session, spend some time digging deeper into the ways this trauma is affecting your life, how it has shaped your view of yourself and others, and how you think about your past.  At this point you are trying to make a coherent story about the experience and put it in some place of meaning in your life.

Dr. Pennebaker adds two points to consider about this exercise. You may feel sad or weepy immediately after writing about the traumatic topic, especially on the first day. This is usually a short-term effect and it may be part of the processing necessary to attain the long-term benefits. Secondly, if there is a topic that is too recent (less than a month) or so traumatic that you are not able to write about it without losing total control of your emotions, then don't write about that or stop writing.

Before you finish the last session you  must have done your best to answer these two questions;

Why did this happen?  What good might I derive from it?

To answer those two question you must be willing to acknowledge your deepest emotions openly,  construct a coherent story and find your voice.

Buddhism: Rebellion Against Natural Selection

Buddhism is a rebellion against natural selection in two main ways.  First, Buddhism wants us to see the world accurately, as it is, all the time. Second, Buddhism believes that if we are able to do that we can actually be at peace, can end our suffering. Natural selection, however,  developed over millennia through evolution, does NOT want us to see the world accurately all the time or with complete clarity and wants us to suffer sometimes. This is a fundamental difference between Buddhism and what evolutionary psychology tells us natural selection has chosen for us.

Natural selection allows for us to lie to ourselves, to see ourselves more positively than we really are. We hold certain delusions about who we are that make us feel good about ourselves, even though they're not accurate, and allow us to go forth and struggle in the world. Without that delusion of our innate "goodness" evolutionary psychology predicts that we would not fight as hard or as long for the things that matter to us. Nor would we feel as self-righteous in our judgment of others if we truly saw the flaws in ourselves. Natural selection does want us to experience some suffering. It is counter intuitive to imagine that our evolutionary past has deemed that some amount of suffering is necessary for the survival of the species, but on reflection of what it takes to survive and to pass on one's genes (which is the ultimate goal of evolution) suffering makes us act in the world to change something that is harming us, bothering us, impeding us, or preventing us from doing something. Without the necessity of suffering, humans would be more complacent, less likely to seek change in their environment, or in their social group, or even in themselves.