The human population is living under a destructive myth. The myth is that "normal" is the absence of psychological (internal) pain. If you are feeling good most or almost all the time without any pesky thoughts, feelings, or thoughts, then you were as you
should be: a healthy, normal, human being. We believe that normal people are not experiencing painful, distressing, and primitive memories, thoughts, and feelings on a moment to moment basis, every single day of life. In fact if you find yourself with unpleasant memories, thoughts, or feelings--there has to be something wrong with you--that is considered not right in the normal is "feeling good" myth.
The fields of psychology and psychiatry categorize problems of living as diagnoses like depression and anxiety. These are internal, private events that alert the clinician to the "problem." Diagnoses tells the clinician what is wrong with the person; what needs to be removed in order that the person return to normal functioning. In this world view, once a therapist treats a person successfully, the person is able to
eliminate troubling symptoms and is now able to "feel good."
What a change a few years of good scientific research make! The recent research findings on emotion show that emotion is primary in human beings and that the emotions (as part of the fight/flight/freeze survival mechanism) work separately from the frontal cortex ( the thinking logical, linear mind) and are often not under the control of the frontal cortex. That means that I cannot decide what emotions I am going to feel at any given moment. Whatever comes up, I have to deal with. I cannot get rid of the unpleasant memory, thought or feeling just because I don't want it there.
We create an enduring problem when we
attempt to get rid of what we don't like. This effort is what creates the suffering. We erroneously believe that we should be feeling good all the time or at least most of the time...heck, even half the time would be an extreme achievement! But the effort to feel good is fruitless and causes more of the suffering we are trying so desperately to avoid.
It is not possible to avoid psychological (internal) pain. Our most important creative act--language, is also the same tool that we use to create our greatest suffering. Language works best in the linear, logical, concrete outside world. It does not work well with our internal emotional world. We use language to evaluate ourselves, to decide how we should be as people, but ignore the fact that language, which is efficient and useful in manipulating things in the external world (for example: a room full of old boxes that I no longer need can be completely cleaned out), does not work in well in the internal world of emotions, memories, and thoughts. I
cannot do a "spring cleaning" of my internal stuff.
What does this mean to you? Accept pain as part of being human. Having more money, the best looking spouse, the most brilliant kids, and the house of your dreams...will not make a difference in how you live every single day... in your mind. Live authentically, according to the values that you have chosen and act to make those values manifest in your life. But as you already have guessed, living your values is no panacea. There will be many, many, many, times when you will use the power and seduction of language to remind yourself that you could be more comfortable if you chose to ignore your values just this one time and chose another, easier value that would lead to immediate "feel good" feelings. Of course, you now intuit correctly that ignoring your values in time, will lead to guilt...and guess what... more psychological pain. Since there is no escape from the ubiquity of psychological pain, choose to live out your values as much as you are able. That act will bring meaning to your life.
This is a hopeful message. We expect the cat to show its cat-nature and the bird to exhibit its bird nature. Thus, we, too, can expect ourselves to experience our fundamental human natures. We can accept that there is a parallel system of thoughts, feelings, and memories that is not within our direct control. At times we are completely delighted to have this system operating within: For example, when we are able to remember a pleasant memory, when we are able to feel feelings like love, and when we can think and create ideas that solve problems. This human duality, where the same vehicle that brings pleasure also brings pain, cannot be separated, only managed. The positive message is that once we stop fighting our essential natures, we reduce the misery in half (we stop the battle with what is going on inside) . When we stop beating up on ourselves for our imagined shortcomings, we have the energy to use effective methods to care for what is happening inside of us. Our goal is to accept, soothe, work with and integrate what is within... and that internal emotional an integral part is
who we are..and will always be.
