Often people come into therapy and say they want to be happy. Sometimes I tell them the bad news right away, other times I wait. The truth is that searching for happiness is a fool's errand. There is no place where happiness can be found, where we can grab it, hold on to it and make it our own. Because language gives substance to things (the label chair means that "thing" which we sit on) we confuse the word
happiness with a
thing that has the same substance and solidity as a chair.
Most of us believe that happiness can be attained and kept as a constant state of being. Yet, it is obvious that even when people obtain what they believe will give them happiness, the sense of being happy is short lived. Numerous studies of people who won the lottery, for example, indicate that lottery winners return to their previous level of life satisfaction within a year. Incredible! If you are reading this and are thinking to yourself, "That wouldn't be me, I would really be happy and stay happy." I hate to tell you, but you would be incorrect. The reason that winning the lottery, or finding the perfect person to marry, or having a job that is deeply satisfying and financially rewarding cannot sustain the feeling of happiness is because our day to day experience is dominated by an ongoing dialogue in our heads, most of which is negative and destructive.
If you doubt what I'm saying, pay attention to what goes on in your head for just one hour. Listen to what is going on inside your head. You may find yourself disappointed, impatient, or irritated with this or that person. You may feel angry, rejected, or ignored by another. You may recall an embarrassing thing you did, or an old painful memory may suddenly come into your awareness. Overall, in that one hour you will encounter multiple moments where the world does not fit your immediate expectations and demands. In those seconds and minutes, our "monkey minds" begin to complain and moan and resist what is happening. "It should not be this way! It should be the way I think it should be. People should behave like I think they should behave. How dare their they behave in this other manner!" We justify this position by telling ourselves that what we think is logical, or reasonable, or just plain right.
All that chatter, jabber, judgment of self and others, all that ongoing commentary is also going on in the heads of the most successful person, the most talented person, the most beautiful person, the wealthiest person… In essence, going on in all the heads of all human beings, no matter what their status, position, beauty, talent or success. This mind chatter is going on ALL THE TIME. Therefore, if you fantasize that any of these supremely gifted or lucky people mentioned above are truly happy because they have these exceptional traits, gifts,or resources, and thus are exempt from the pain of the human condition-- think again.
There you have it: why happiness cannot be had. No need to despair, however. We do have one wonderful untapped ability, the ability to re-train the internal chaos of "monkey mind." By re-training our minds, we are able to reduce the endless litany of complaints, dissatisfaction, criticisms about us and the world at large. And the quietness that ensues, the internal peace, that
can be had.
